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Thursday 26 December, 2024
Thursday 26 December, 2024
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13 things you'll need to be an Irish granny
EVERY IRISH GRANNY has these things. It’s practically the law.
1. An ancient Nokia that somehow still lives
You’ve gone through five phones in the past three years, but Granny? The Nokia 3510 is still the one.
2. And her own phone number carefully sellotaped to the back of it
Just to be sure.
3. A plaid shopping trolley
For the messages.
4. A portable radio
Tuned to her preferred local station and regularly referred to as a ‘great little gadget’.
5. A gas heater
Easier now than fiddling with the fireplace, says she.
6. A seemingly endless supply of sweets
How do they get the sweets? No idea. Irish grannies are never witnessed buying sweets in a shop. But they always have at least three different kinds.
7. Copious amounts of Mass cards
Either ones she has received or ones she’s meaning to send. Everyone’s getting a Mass.
8. And a rake of mini Holy Water bottles
Gifts from friends who made pilgrimage to such exotic locales as Lourdes and Medjugorje.
9. A Sacred Heart
Ideally, in a spot where the grandkids catch sight of it as they’re stealing Twirls from the press. He’s watching you.
10. A stack of back issues of the RTÉ Guide
Grannies: Single-handedly keeping the Guide in print.
11. Crocheted covers for the spare bog roll
Heaven forbid they be SEEN.
12. An image of Pope John Paul II and/or Padre Pio
Again, put in a spot that ensures maximum discomfort for guests.
13. And a good heavy Foxford blanket* for the bed
*Or any other sort of heavy woollen blanket. The scratchier the better.
Checked off all the list? Congrats – you’re now an Irish granny.
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